Sunday, December 4, 2011

Sex in the Country

According to Jeff Foxworthy, “If you’ve had the same in-laws more than once, you might be a redneck.” I can’t argue with that. How about if you live near your ex-boyfriend’s 3rd wife’s 1st husband? Yep, I’ve gone from city life, where you may be moderately surprised to run into your fifth-grade teacher at a major museum, but you don’t run into your ex-boyfriend’s 3rd wife’s ex-husband. In the city, this would be as unfathomable as getting the same cab driver twice. After years of living in a metropolis without a car, I never had the same cab driver twice. Either there’s a really high turn-over (totally understandable) or there are more than just a shitload of cabs. I digress (a lot).

Sex in the Country- It can often be ex in the country. Ex-sex is probably pretty prevalent around here. I’m guessing this is because the odds of finding anyone better are slim to none. Sure, things didn’t work out the way you planned, but still. There are perks to ex-sex. You already love them, even if things have changed, you can fart if you have to, and they already know you openly hate some of their entourage. Or they do now if they’re reading this. Whoops.

Bar Sex in the Country- The problem with bars in the country include, but are not limited to the fact that they are a) gentlemen’s clubs (v. hard to get laid when you’re not the one with the pierced labia on stage gyrating for dollars), b) gambling establishments (I’ll pass on anyone who is THAT bad at math), or c) the grocery store, which isn’t actually a bar, but they sell beer, so it counts… and I needed a third example.

Work Sex in the Country- WRONG. Letting women enter into the workforce resulted in a serious lack of options, not to mention the potential complications when things go south. Notice I didn’t say “if”. I’m all for working women. I am a working woman. I don’t necessarily want to be, but I am.

Parties in the Country- Most of them look like a hockey audience, so if you’re into diversity (other than White Americans versus White Canadians) you’re shit out of luck there. Also, this is only an option for people who can go to more than 2 parties a year without getting overwhelmed. And! What’s the first thing you do when you are invited to a party? That’s right; you dredge up anyone who will go with you so you don’t have to walk in alone. Now, how am I supposed to know that’s your sister and you’re not dating her (legitimate question in WV)? Wear a sign if you’re single, but only if you’re good-looking and well employed. As a matter of fact, make sure the sign has all this data.

Gay Tea Pool Parties are the best. Not for getting laid if you’re female, but because drinks come in three types of cups: red (taken), yellow (it’s complicated, come talk to me anyway for some threesome potential), or green (let’s blow this joint and then each other). Simple! The world should be like this. Everyone should be required to wear ribbons, or carry cups. Everyone get’s issued all three though, so you can be covert if you’re just not in the mood, or you can switch mid-day as circumstances dictate. Name tags would also be a good idea, but that’s another thought train leaving at midnight, and going to Georgia.

Out here in Terra Firma, WV, there’s also the hillbilly-factor. The only reality show that hasn’t been made: Finding a Man in WV Who Meets Your City Specs. Subtitle: It is way harder than it looks folks. I’m onto something here. Hang on while I call RFDTV.

Copyright Suki Eastman 2011

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