Saturday, November 26, 2011

Online Dating- My Free Advice

Online Dating- My Free Advice

Here’s the wave of the future, or near distant past in most cases. Online dating is not so much about finding your dream partner as it is finding a partner that is NOT like your last one. Clearly that didn’t work out and now you’ve lost your focus. Your list of wants, must haves and needs are only based on the list of things that drove you crazy about the last person. Online dating rule number one- the new person is going to have a whole different set of issues that will annoy you as much as the last. If you’ve dated enough people, as I have, the list of what you don’t want can be pretty extensive. Pick the cream of the crop of dislikes and keep it to five or less, lest you jilt yourself out of a free dinner.

Other sage advice regarding online dating- Craigslist is for hooking up with people who have the requisite body parts you’re in the mood for. This is not where to find the love of your life, so don’t whine to me if your dinner date started with sex and ended with DiGiorno. You’re lucky you were offered the DiGiorno. Any port in a storm- get it?

E-Harmony is for Christian right-wing heterosexuals. If you’re not all of these things, get thyself on Dems looking for ‘Dem, Jewdate, or some other respectable and possibly made up site that fits your needs. You aren’t going to turn a bible thumper into a viable match by teaching them the ways of Moses or Krishna- get over yourself. is expensive. Make sure you get at least 3 free dinners out of it and order top-shelf liquor. If you don’t know good Scotch from bad, may I suggest a Kahlua and cream? If you are a man, and a woman is paying, well, then man-up and learn about Scotch. If you are a gay man, order Belvedere. Whoever pays gets to pick the apartment later. If you are a gay woman, don’t drink- it will lead to instant bonding and potential plans to move in together… the following day. Women don’t play when it comes to commitment. Three drinks and you’ll be online adopting babies from Rwanda.

If you meet on Men4Men, don’t be shocked if your date takes place in a park after sunset. Like Craigslist, it’s not really a “dating site” per se; though I have seen some temporary relationships last as long as Sunday brunch (from Saturday evening).

Other advice for online daters: Writing “I am funny” means you’re not. Sorry about that. Men who write, “I’m outdoorsy” mean they live in a house that needs a LOT of work- like a new roof. Women who state they have a few pounds to loose, have 40 minimum pounds to lose- so look within (and look for a BetaMax in the background of the “recent” picture.

It shocks me that people write that they are looking for marriage. Clearly this was added to make women go, “Awww,” so men can get laid with the pretense that as of the first date they are technically engaged. Be honest. You might be looking for marriage down the road, but are you really going to delete your profile after the first act of the play/sunset/hike you say you love to attend? I’m guessing, no.

The two big things to avoid: pictures of you in front of, or (worse) only of, your car or other vehicle. As a single woman, I want to see that you can afford the note on something that appreciates, not your crotch rocket. Your BMW means Bye! Money Wasted! Show me the deed to your house, bars of gold and silver, or something that stands a chance of appreciating in value if we ever learn to manage the country correctly.

CAPITOL LETTERS MISSPELED WORDS WITH BADLY GRAMMER NO PUNCTUAYYION AND RUN ON SENTENCES ARE WRONG BECAUSE YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER! If you cannot read or write, this dating medium is not for you. Might I suggest a bar with Keno and pickled eggs? This will better afford you the chance for love before they realize you are illiterate.

If there’s a person in the picture with you, explain who they are and include the waiver they signed to put their picture up on Plenty of Fish. Don’t cut out your ex-wife from a picture, but leave her arm (with wedding band) draped over your shoulder because you’re inept at Photoshop. Tacky.

If everyone liked hiking as much as they say they do, I’d be bumping into people out here in the country, day in and day out, and I’m not. So I suspect this is a lie. Don’t lie. You will be caught, or worse, you will have to hike.

Don’t say you went to 10 universities. Discuss whether you are in default with any household utilities, student loans or credit cards. As a matter of fact, cut the account number off and take a picture of your last 4 Visa statements. One could learn a lot more about where you’ve been and the amount of debt you consider acceptable. One of the biggest things people fight about is money. For instance, I am fiscally responsible, so if you came home with a superfluous vehicle, or say, a pool table, I would hit you over the head with it. Good to know up front, right?

Come forth freely about kids and ages. People (okay, me) have serious rules about who we will date based on these data points. Additionally, if you’re 48 and state you are “undecided/open” about having kids, I (at 48) shouldn’t be seeing your profile. Go back to Craigslist or lower your upper age limit to someone with a uterus and the correct hormone level to make this happen. Don’t be wishy-washy to gain potential- at your age you should certainly know whether or not you want to change poopy diapers again, or ever. Note- don’t include acceptable dating ages for women who require regular facial waxing. We expire- you don’t.

Yes, I do freelance profiles for people on dating sites. If any of these issues are plaguing you and you don’t know how to remedy them on you own, I will help if you’d like (it ain’t free, but you won’t have to write “I am funny”. I will even vet photos for you. Hint- if you’re arm is out or the bathroom mirror is involved, it’s gone. Sorry. If you have a life, you have friends. Get one to take 10 pictures of you standing, sitting, knitting, boxing (no boxing, you can’t see the face), whatever. Then pick the best few out of those 10. Face, ring, butt. These are the three things everyone wants to see before they commit to coffee at Starbucks. Include pictures of your face, ring finger and butt in your pictures, but for god’s sake, make sure everything is covered up.

Copyright Suki Eastman 2011

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