Online Dating- My Free Advice
Here’s the wave of the future, or near distant past in most cases. Online dating is not so much about finding your dream partner as it is finding a partner that is NOT like your last one. Clearly that didn’t work out and now you’ve lost your focus. Your list of wants, must haves and needs are only based on the list of things that drove you crazy about the last person. Online dating rule number one- the new person is going to have a whole different set of issues that will annoy you as much as the last. If you’ve dated enough people, as I have, the list of what you don’t want can be pretty extensive. Pick the cream of the crop of dislikes and keep it to five or less, lest you jilt yourself out of a free dinner.
Other sage advice regarding online dating- Craigslist is for hooking up with people who have the requisite body parts you’re in the mood for. This is not where to find the love of your life, so don’t whine to me if your dinner date started with sex and ended with DiGiorno. You’re lucky you were offered the DiGiorno. Any port in a storm- get it?
E-Harmony is for Christian right-wing heterosexuals. If you’re not all of these things, get thyself on Dems looking for ‘Dem, Jewdate, or some other respectable and possibly made up site that fits your needs. You aren’t going to turn a bible thumper into a viable match by teaching them the ways of Moses or Krishna- get over yourself.
Match.com is expensive. Make sure you get at least 3 free dinners out of it and order top-shelf liquor. If you don’t know good Scotch from bad, may I suggest a Kahlua and cream? If you are a man, and a woman is paying, well, then man-up and learn about Scotch. If you are a gay man, order Belvedere. Whoever pays gets to pick the apartment later. If you are a gay woman, don’t drink- it will lead to instant bonding and potential plans to move in together… the following day. Women don’t play when it comes to commitment. Three drinks and you’ll be online adopting babies from Rwanda.
If you meet on Men4Men, don’t be shocked if your date takes place in a park after sunset. Like Craigslist, it’s not really a “dating site” per se; though I have seen some temporary relationships last as long as Sunday brunch (from Saturday evening).
Other advice for online daters: Writing “I am funny” means you’re not. Sorry about that. Men who write, “I’m outdoorsy” mean they live in a house that needs a LOT of work- like a new roof. Women who state they have a few pounds to loose, have 40 minimum pounds to lose- so look within (and look for a BetaMax in the background of the “recent” picture.
It shocks me that people write that they are looking for marriage. Clearly this was added to make women go, “Awww,” so men can get laid with the pretense that as of the first date they are technically engaged. Be honest. You might be looking for marriage down the road, but are you really going to delete your profile after the first act of the play/sunset/hike you say you love to attend? I’m guessing, no.
The two big things to avoid: pictures of you in front of, or (worse) only of, your car or other vehicle. As a single woman, I want to see that you can afford the note on something that appreciates, not your crotch rocket. Your BMW means Bye! Money Wasted! Show me the deed to your house, bars of gold and silver, or something that stands a chance of appreciating in value if we ever learn to manage the country correctly.
CAPITOL LETTERS MISSPELED WORDS WITH BADLY GRAMMER NO PUNCTUAYYION AND RUN ON SENTENCES ARE WRONG BECAUSE YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER! If you cannot read or write, this dating medium is not for you. Might I suggest a bar with Keno and pickled eggs? This will better afford you the chance for love before they realize you are illiterate.
If there’s a person in the picture with you, explain who they are and include the waiver they signed to put their picture up on Plenty of Fish. Don’t cut out your ex-wife from a picture, but leave her arm (with wedding band) draped over your shoulder because you’re inept at Photoshop. Tacky.
If everyone liked hiking as much as they say they do, I’d be bumping into people out here in the country, day in and day out, and I’m not. So I suspect this is a lie. Don’t lie. You will be caught, or worse, you will have to hike.
Don’t say you went to 10 universities. Discuss whether you are in default with any household utilities, student loans or credit cards. As a matter of fact, cut the account number off and take a picture of your last 4 Visa statements. One could learn a lot more about where you’ve been and the amount of debt you consider acceptable. One of the biggest things people fight about is money. For instance, I am fiscally responsible, so if you came home with a superfluous vehicle, or say, a pool table, I would hit you over the head with it. Good to know up front, right?
Come forth freely about kids and ages. People (okay, me) have serious rules about who we will date based on these data points. Additionally, if you’re 48 and state you are “undecided/open” about having kids, I (at 48) shouldn’t be seeing your profile. Go back to Craigslist or lower your upper age limit to someone with a uterus and the correct hormone level to make this happen. Don’t be wishy-washy to gain potential- at your age you should certainly know whether or not you want to change poopy diapers again, or ever. Note- don’t include acceptable dating ages for women who require regular facial waxing. We expire- you don’t.
Yes, I do freelance profiles for people on dating sites. If any of these issues are plaguing you and you don’t know how to remedy them on you own, I will help if you’d like (it ain’t free, but you won’t have to write “I am funny”. I will even vet photos for you. Hint- if you’re arm is out or the bathroom mirror is involved, it’s gone. Sorry. If you have a life, you have friends. Get one to take 10 pictures of you standing, sitting, knitting, boxing (no boxing, you can’t see the face), whatever. Then pick the best few out of those 10. Face, ring, butt. These are the three things everyone wants to see before they commit to coffee at Starbucks. Include pictures of your face, ring finger and butt in your pictures, but for god’s sake, make sure everything is covered up.
Copyright Suki Eastman 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
A Thanksgiving Story about Family
True story- the day before Thanksgiving, my step-brother was out with his family for dinner when his 17 year old son (whom I’ve known his entire life and then some), asked his dad what I was doing for Thanksgiving. My step-brother told him I was probably going to Ohio to see my dad. After a confused moment, my nephew said, “But Grandad lives in Delaware.” (This would be my step-father he refers to, and he has very much been a part of my life and a father figure- but I also have a genetic dad who does the same thing in a slightly less conventional way).
Okay, so I have a step-sister with my same first name, giving these children every reason to ask why they have two aunts with the same name from the same family. My brother asked him why this would be. No answer to that question. So he asked why I have a different last name- this my quick nephew had an answer for. Since my (real) last name is a noun, he predicted that I was called such because I used to work in a restaurant…. So, I have a 17 year old nephew, who has missed, for his entire life, the fact that there are indeed not “5” siblings in his father’s family, but 4 and 1 (genetically and only on that side of the family). Yeah, it’s complicated, I get it; but how on earth did this child go for 17 years not questioning why his father had two sisters with the exact same first name, and different last names. Though in my step-sister’s defense, the other one with my first name, she has had 3 last names to date and approximately 7-10 people who her children have called “Daddy”. In my nephew’s defense, he’s seen a few name changes over the years, but everyone has pretty much stuck to their original first names.
This is a message to all the kids who should not read my blog anyway because I like bad words- Get your heads out of your collective assholes and look up from whatever gaming thing you do. Introduce yourselves to your relatives. There may be surprises for you. Like the 253 people Mommy has listed as “sisters” in Facebook, may not actually be your aunts, and your aunts may be your aunts, but with a different set of parents. Ask why.
I think I need to take my nephew with me to Ohio sometime. It will blow his mind when he finds out I have a whole “secret” family out there too, and he’s never met them. So, while you’re getting together for the holidays this year, ask questions. I forget who said it’s better to be interested than to be interesting, but it’s a good idea from time to time. I rarely subscribe to this personally, but I still think it’s a good idea. I also rarely turn the other cheek in favor of bitching until the assailant leaves me the hell alone, but still, that has its merits as well. An eye for an eye? Gross. But if you touch a hair on my cat’s head in a malicious way, I will glue your knees together with Krazy Glue so you can’t pee without dribbling down your leg.
Dear nephew- read the Bible, not because it’s true (you can decide that yourself), but because if you can get through Numbers, with all the begats and begots, you’ll have our family tree nailed in no time. Our tree in fact, is more like a field of bushes.
Copyright Suki Eastman 2011
Okay, so I have a step-sister with my same first name, giving these children every reason to ask why they have two aunts with the same name from the same family. My brother asked him why this would be. No answer to that question. So he asked why I have a different last name- this my quick nephew had an answer for. Since my (real) last name is a noun, he predicted that I was called such because I used to work in a restaurant…. So, I have a 17 year old nephew, who has missed, for his entire life, the fact that there are indeed not “5” siblings in his father’s family, but 4 and 1 (genetically and only on that side of the family). Yeah, it’s complicated, I get it; but how on earth did this child go for 17 years not questioning why his father had two sisters with the exact same first name, and different last names. Though in my step-sister’s defense, the other one with my first name, she has had 3 last names to date and approximately 7-10 people who her children have called “Daddy”. In my nephew’s defense, he’s seen a few name changes over the years, but everyone has pretty much stuck to their original first names.
This is a message to all the kids who should not read my blog anyway because I like bad words- Get your heads out of your collective assholes and look up from whatever gaming thing you do. Introduce yourselves to your relatives. There may be surprises for you. Like the 253 people Mommy has listed as “sisters” in Facebook, may not actually be your aunts, and your aunts may be your aunts, but with a different set of parents. Ask why.
I think I need to take my nephew with me to Ohio sometime. It will blow his mind when he finds out I have a whole “secret” family out there too, and he’s never met them. So, while you’re getting together for the holidays this year, ask questions. I forget who said it’s better to be interested than to be interesting, but it’s a good idea from time to time. I rarely subscribe to this personally, but I still think it’s a good idea. I also rarely turn the other cheek in favor of bitching until the assailant leaves me the hell alone, but still, that has its merits as well. An eye for an eye? Gross. But if you touch a hair on my cat’s head in a malicious way, I will glue your knees together with Krazy Glue so you can’t pee without dribbling down your leg.
Dear nephew- read the Bible, not because it’s true (you can decide that yourself), but because if you can get through Numbers, with all the begats and begots, you’ll have our family tree nailed in no time. Our tree in fact, is more like a field of bushes.
Copyright Suki Eastman 2011
North and South (Bi-Polar) Holiday to You
So, the holiday season is upon us and naturally my thoughts turn to my stepfather’s ex-wife’s husband and too many other “relatives” and friends whom I miss terribly. Old age should kill more people; disease, less.
I come from a family of few- three originals, my mother, father, and myself. Then there were divorces that rang in the 60’s and 70’s, silences that rivaled the moments we stood still quietly when Viet Nam was over, the Wall came down, and the Mafia finally killed Kaddafi, Hussein and Bin Laden. Second marriages eventually seemed like first ones, There were live-ins, dates and significant others. Now my family is huge, and there’s not a marrow match in the bunch. By the way, be a bone marrow donor if you’re not already. You could save someone like me who doesn’t have viable family members. Not me particularly, just someone similar. I’m good.
This is a hard time of year for many, and I’m going to share the reasons it’s difficult for me. Lots of family: check. But I am inherently an only child who grew up entertaining me and sometimes entertaining others. A few select, also entertain me. Mostly, I was either on or off, and this hasn’t changed, only now it’s more pronounced. I can spend a certain amount of time with friends and family, all of whom I adore, but then the gate shuts. There’s an expiration date on my ability to socialize, then I’m done. People who only see me “on” think I’m evading them when I’m off.
The window doesn’t stay open long. I can live through a party and have a great time, but I will not see people the next day. The next day is for books, TV, gardening, or playing with the cat. Things I can do alone (except for the cat). This is what bipolar disorder is to some. Highs and lows; extremes, if you will. It’s okay, and I’m lucky that the extremes have never led me to buy multiple houses (okay, I have two, but that’s not excessive, that’s investment), or bags and bags of dog food (no dog). The lows have never made me suicidal. They have caused ridiculous amounts of crying, which I’m sometimes afraid won’t stop. That’s the scary part; thinking that your heart is breaking so badly that you could literally cry until they take you away. It does stop though, and maybe it’s normal, but no one talks about it.
The holidays tear me asunder because there is never the correct mix of off and on. There are either too many parties, or not enough. Or I have to drive far to get to them- I hate driving and if it wasn’t for books on tape, I’d be completely agoraphobic. Books on tape let me take my love of reading on the road. Other than that, it’s just assholes driving badly, fear of deer running out in front of my car, breaking down on the road, getting stuck in the snow, or a not-so-paranoid feeling that people on the road may not be sober, or conscious of what they could do to others by not paying full attention.
Snow freaks me out, yet I can’t abide living with giant cockroaches, or 3 million dollar mortgages, or more hillbillies than I currently share geographic space with. If there’s a Utopia with my name on it, take me there. I understand that a personal Utopia may be an oxymoron, but I can dream, can’t I? It’s always 70 degrees, there’s a light breeze, bugs and snakes are banned, deer eat out of your hand (and don’t have ticks because of the bug ban), people who think, question and don’t argue, but listen, are everywhere, cars are Nerf and mortgages are reasonable. I’ve ruled out most of the 50 states for one reason or another. Oh, there is no crime of course, and everyone loves their pets very much.
Here’s my point for the holidays, and maybe it applies to others. If I’m alone, thank you for the invite. If I can make it I will, but this is not my season. It’s cold, the weather is unpredictable, and I have a bear’s instinct to hibernate until things grow again. I’m sad, but I’m okay, and I’ve pulled out of 48 winters so far. I will again. Sweaters help. If I attend your party, I will do so because I know I can be on, comfortable, and maybe even funny.
I have no religion. I am atheist with Jewish and Buddhist philosophical undertones. Christmas does not mean anything to me. I understand that it does for many, but I would like to see more good will towards men and less ridiculousness at Wal-Mart and the other big box stores. I’d like to see less pressure over whom to buy gifts for- if it’s in your heart to give, give, and never expect anything in return. If someone buys something for you, don’t feel guilty. Say thank you and move on. Holiday cards fill my mailbox and I read each one and smile, laugh and feel awesome that someone is thinking about me. Unfortunately, I can’t consolidate my thoughts about so many people into small cards, and the deadline is something I can do without in my life. It would take me a year to compile holiday cards to everyone I wanted to tell how I feel. And I’m sorry, but Christmas letters are like listening to your dreams (in most cases) or what you’ve eaten down to the crust on the latest fad diet. Plus, most cards have religious overtones I don’t subscribe to. I’d rather send you an email, a FB message, or a tweet, that says “Hey, it’s Tuesday afternoon and I’m thinking about you.”
I’m not an evangelist for my lifestyle, but I’m a proponent on living how I live because it works for me. It’s my Utopia. Share in any parts of it that you’d like.
Cheers and happy everything to everyone I love, and who I’m lucky enough to have love me back.
Suki
Copyright Suki Eastman 2011
I come from a family of few- three originals, my mother, father, and myself. Then there were divorces that rang in the 60’s and 70’s, silences that rivaled the moments we stood still quietly when Viet Nam was over, the Wall came down, and the Mafia finally killed Kaddafi, Hussein and Bin Laden. Second marriages eventually seemed like first ones, There were live-ins, dates and significant others. Now my family is huge, and there’s not a marrow match in the bunch. By the way, be a bone marrow donor if you’re not already. You could save someone like me who doesn’t have viable family members. Not me particularly, just someone similar. I’m good.
This is a hard time of year for many, and I’m going to share the reasons it’s difficult for me. Lots of family: check. But I am inherently an only child who grew up entertaining me and sometimes entertaining others. A few select, also entertain me. Mostly, I was either on or off, and this hasn’t changed, only now it’s more pronounced. I can spend a certain amount of time with friends and family, all of whom I adore, but then the gate shuts. There’s an expiration date on my ability to socialize, then I’m done. People who only see me “on” think I’m evading them when I’m off.
The window doesn’t stay open long. I can live through a party and have a great time, but I will not see people the next day. The next day is for books, TV, gardening, or playing with the cat. Things I can do alone (except for the cat). This is what bipolar disorder is to some. Highs and lows; extremes, if you will. It’s okay, and I’m lucky that the extremes have never led me to buy multiple houses (okay, I have two, but that’s not excessive, that’s investment), or bags and bags of dog food (no dog). The lows have never made me suicidal. They have caused ridiculous amounts of crying, which I’m sometimes afraid won’t stop. That’s the scary part; thinking that your heart is breaking so badly that you could literally cry until they take you away. It does stop though, and maybe it’s normal, but no one talks about it.
The holidays tear me asunder because there is never the correct mix of off and on. There are either too many parties, or not enough. Or I have to drive far to get to them- I hate driving and if it wasn’t for books on tape, I’d be completely agoraphobic. Books on tape let me take my love of reading on the road. Other than that, it’s just assholes driving badly, fear of deer running out in front of my car, breaking down on the road, getting stuck in the snow, or a not-so-paranoid feeling that people on the road may not be sober, or conscious of what they could do to others by not paying full attention.
Snow freaks me out, yet I can’t abide living with giant cockroaches, or 3 million dollar mortgages, or more hillbillies than I currently share geographic space with. If there’s a Utopia with my name on it, take me there. I understand that a personal Utopia may be an oxymoron, but I can dream, can’t I? It’s always 70 degrees, there’s a light breeze, bugs and snakes are banned, deer eat out of your hand (and don’t have ticks because of the bug ban), people who think, question and don’t argue, but listen, are everywhere, cars are Nerf and mortgages are reasonable. I’ve ruled out most of the 50 states for one reason or another. Oh, there is no crime of course, and everyone loves their pets very much.
Here’s my point for the holidays, and maybe it applies to others. If I’m alone, thank you for the invite. If I can make it I will, but this is not my season. It’s cold, the weather is unpredictable, and I have a bear’s instinct to hibernate until things grow again. I’m sad, but I’m okay, and I’ve pulled out of 48 winters so far. I will again. Sweaters help. If I attend your party, I will do so because I know I can be on, comfortable, and maybe even funny.
I have no religion. I am atheist with Jewish and Buddhist philosophical undertones. Christmas does not mean anything to me. I understand that it does for many, but I would like to see more good will towards men and less ridiculousness at Wal-Mart and the other big box stores. I’d like to see less pressure over whom to buy gifts for- if it’s in your heart to give, give, and never expect anything in return. If someone buys something for you, don’t feel guilty. Say thank you and move on. Holiday cards fill my mailbox and I read each one and smile, laugh and feel awesome that someone is thinking about me. Unfortunately, I can’t consolidate my thoughts about so many people into small cards, and the deadline is something I can do without in my life. It would take me a year to compile holiday cards to everyone I wanted to tell how I feel. And I’m sorry, but Christmas letters are like listening to your dreams (in most cases) or what you’ve eaten down to the crust on the latest fad diet. Plus, most cards have religious overtones I don’t subscribe to. I’d rather send you an email, a FB message, or a tweet, that says “Hey, it’s Tuesday afternoon and I’m thinking about you.”
I’m not an evangelist for my lifestyle, but I’m a proponent on living how I live because it works for me. It’s my Utopia. Share in any parts of it that you’d like.
Cheers and happy everything to everyone I love, and who I’m lucky enough to have love me back.
Suki
Copyright Suki Eastman 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)